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[09 Sep 2007|03:31am] |
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mood |
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 thirsty |
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how introspective do i wanna get tonight. well it all depends. is my life in shambles? yes. am i upset about it? no.
i am i glutton for punishment, i almost enjoy these feelings emptiness and somber. if didnt i wouldnt put my self in this situation. i have always worked my way into situations that are the worst for me, this isnt a revelation, it is an acknowledgment of something ive always known.
i allowed my self to fall into a subculture of people that idolize others work, whether it comes to authors, artists or musicians. but where is our muse? yes ive felt teenage angst, and pure sadness but what inspires me other than short blurbs about glamorizing drinking and a life style of destruction. where is my passion? do i have one? im not too sure. love is fleeting and unsure, family is constant and steady, passion is the thing i lack. may it be that in this lack of passion is where i find my way in life? is my muse a goal of finding something greater than myself? do i work from that.
im not talking about religion i think im pretty well established that im atheist, but that dosent mean that there is not something greater than the singular "I". it may not be "love" (as i stated thats fleeting). it may not be family. it may not be wealth or health.
im just glad i have the ability to now question why i feel like this rather than blaming it on unknown reasons.
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(WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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| i never really meant it. i would leave your soul completely intact and uneaten |
[08 May 2007|11:55am] |
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mood |
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 sore |
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music |
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uncle tupelo - still be around |
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fffffoooooooooooopppsshhhhh.....thats me blowing the dust off my gay internet diary
today i havent slept because i got caught up in my life.
i read every entry from 2002 till october 2005. i had to stop, i realized i was and probably still am a whiney bitch at times.
seeing as how me and jenny broke up for the 4th time 5 months ago i can now see how people say it gets better. it, oddly enough, barely phased me this time. it seems normal. that dosent mean i dont miss her at all she was the love of my life, we were together for almost 4 years except the break ups. i just know im pretty much helpless in the situation and why would i want a unhealthy relationship back.
i know this is pointless cause i dont know what any of you all are talking about when i read your journals now.
just saying hi to some old people seeing if your still out there.
some new pics so you guys can keep up with me.
before hair cut a few months ago
after hair cut a few months ago
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(9 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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| Get drunk |
[28 Oct 2005|02:31pm] |
This week is my and Matt's birthdays, so to celebrate that, we have joined forces with more friends to create a double whammy Pre-Halloween/Birthday party. Costumes are RECOMMENDED, not required. So don't feel obligated to wear one if that is your make or break decision about coming to the festivities.
Directions from UCF side of town:
Take 408 to the CRYSTAL LAKE exit, get off, go straight on the feeder road. A few lights down, you will reach BUMBY. Make a RIGHT and go to the next light, which is CENTRAL. Make a LEFT on central and go down about two streets, it is FOREST. Make a LEFT and you will come to a T stop. Make a LEFT at the T and the house is 2113 on the left hand side, right at the bend in the road. Please park around the bend in the road. Around 10:00 would be lovely
There will be a keg, and much assorted liqour for your pleasure. Also, there will be a fire pit, 10 feet high at times because Justin likes using excessive gas, where we shall gloriously burn marshmellows. You want s'more? How can I want s'more if I didn't have any in the first place. You're killing me smalls! There will be an epic Super Mario Kart SNES match as well. And best of all, if it sucks, Downtown is 3 minutes away so there is a pre-made backup plan of going to the Matador. You have nothing to lose, and all to gain. So come out and wish Mike and Matt a happy birthday, and get crunk.
Call for additional information, or if you would like to contribute to the general party fund. 407-375-9425 or 407-346-3456
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(WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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| edit: fuck you |
[01 Oct 2005|12:07am] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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how do i express such overflowing happiness and such gaping sadness at the same time. i guess i write in this shit. i mean its how i used to vent.
first off.......... im and uncle, i finally got to meet my week old niece today. Gabrielle Linda Disney Fabozzi.
she is the most beautiful thing on this earth, she is a twisting body, of soft tender flesh that is amazingly heart warming. She is exactly what i knew she would be amazing. and hopefully she fills most of my family's large void with happiness and joy.
its amazing how strong blood is, ive known her for about 3 hours, and i would die for her instantly with no qualms. she will now be my motivation. she is the saving grace for this family.
second.......i realized 6 days ago it had been 6 months, 185 days (technically) since my mother passed. 187 days since i had last spoke with her.
i sat out side my english class wanting to scream and weep, and let everyone know that 1 day was too long and 187 felt like a knife being passed slowly through my still beating broken heart. At the same time i wanted noone to notice that i was weeping.
its took me 4 months to become this upset, and it is almost calming. In an odd way this deep vacant pain is a relief, to the stress and worry that i might not care. 4 months of telling my self that i should be more upset and wanting to cry but not being able too.
Now i wake up every morning heavier and more somber over the fact that i will mark off another day, in this morbid calander i have only in my head, that i will not get to fullfill the prior nights dream of hearing her voice and touching her hand. I feel as though every morning is like realzing shes dead all over again, as if someone wont let me forget if only for a second of my wakeful life.
Motivation is something lost long ago, routine is what i strive on now, moving emotionless from table to table, class to class, person to person. its hard to motivate your self when your legs are taped the ground and you are the only one who sees the 800 pound gorilla in the room.
like i said this sadness is my bittersweet relief of guilt and confusion. Crying alone is something i oddly look forward too, and rather than being an insomniac i now feel as though im recovering from a grave disease and my body is too tired to cooperate. Also sleep is the only medium as to which i can be with her again, so sleep is a welcome relief and escape everynight.
i wont lie my own death is something ive thought alot about. would it be comforting. Would i be with her? but havent i told my self my entire life that there is not god and no after life, but then where is my mother, where?
suicide is now not an option, it was only one for a brief amount of time, i now have motivation again. It may be small but its a large wake up call, i dont think 8 pounds can fill the hole in my life, but its coming close.
And now that ive typed all i can type. i only want to speak with my girlfriend, but alas she is out of my contact. I hope this isnt a willing avoidance, but rather a misunderstanding.
again i ask how can i be this joyous but still this dead inside....
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(5 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[12 Aug 2005|09:59am] |
happy birthday sean, sean its you birthday, happy birthday sean
im gonna write it on the 86 board tonight
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(WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[28 Jul 2005|02:22pm] |
party at my place tonight......call me for detail, and if i dont want you to come ill act like you have the wrong number
4073463456
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(WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[09 May 2005|02:02am] |
id like to first of all say happy mothers day to the newest fabozzi soon to be mother.....angel fabozzi.
i know she will never read this but im so happy that she is in my family. im gonna be an amazing uncle
second of all. today was hard for me working seeing all the happy families, but i loved my mother and she knew that, i just wish i could call her and let her know
i love you mom. i know your looking out for me.
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(1 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[14 Apr 2005|09:45pm] |
finally a server at my resturant.......long day, went in 10:45am got homt just now
i fucked up hard once, everyone said it wasnt a big deal that it was a mistake, we had to buy her a gift certificate for it, it probably want a big deal.....but if you know me ill be upset about it all night
im tired and i want a beer
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(4 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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| this is the greates pain i cant discribe, you may not care, but i could have typed forever |
[07 Apr 2005|01:39am] |
if you were wondering....im not ok
im dealing
she didnt ask me first
shes the only person who would get me through this, the only person who could hold me and tell me she knew i loved her and ill be fine
i cant stop seeing her face and looking at her name in the paper.
i had so much more to prove to her, so much more to show her, so many more jokes to tell her.
it kills me to know i will have to tell my children that they would have loved their grandmother, it pains me to know they will look at pictures and not know what her voice sounds like, what her hug feels like and how her love makes you feel.
i would trade anything to give her 6 more months to see her first grandchild.
i had few people to tell things and she was the most important, the only one that knew everything.
somewhere someone realizes they made a mistake, she was not supposed to die.
mother. i will love you till the day i get to tell you again.
Linda Kay Fabozzi
March 30, 1949 to March 23 2005
You are not forgotten, loved one
Nor will you ever be.
As long as life and memory last,
we will remember thee
we miss you now,
our hearts are sore,
As time goes by
we'll miss you more.
Your loving smile,
your gentile face,
No one can fill
your vacant space.
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(6 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[01 Apr 2005|03:12pm] |
jesus christ himself could not have made a better movie
i will see it again today after seeing the very first showing at waterford
if you dont have a clue as to what im talking about....die
::edit:: anyone else notice lj's attempt at an april fools joke ::edit::
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(5 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[23 Mar 2005|12:47pm] |
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i want everyone that cares about me to do me one favor. please call your mother and tell her you lover her right now, and if you can hug her.
cause this is the first day in my life i cant
ill be in south florida for a long time
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(20 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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| What happens when 'Lost' is a rerun. |
[10 Mar 2005|02:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 artistic |
] |
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music |
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good eats (favorite cooking show) |
] |
For months, me and louis have tryed to figure out what we could hang above our TV to complete our living room. Posters wouldn't do. We do not have any real artwork, so a solid white void of drywall has hung above our TV for awhile. Inspiration struck us though. We found a picture on the internet that inspired us immediatly. We quickly headed out to CVS and picked up some post it notes and scotch tape and begun our art project.
Cost: $5.00
Post it notes: 272
Pieces of tape: 1,000+
Man hours: 5-6 (combined)
Episodes of Becker: 2
( Read more... )
We rule
EDIT: i now have an idea for 3 more video game mosaics.....they will be quite amazing and one will be over 6" tall this will be the greatest 2 weeks ever
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(9 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[05 Mar 2005|04:37am] |
yes ive thought it would have been better if i died when i crashed my car last week
im like a fucking funny car....im running on only fucking alcohol
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(5 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[03 Mar 2005|04:09am] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
god i think i break my fucking hand everytime i talk to her.....i need to either pad my walls or by a punching bag
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(WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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| to all my lovers and friends |
[28 Jan 2005|01:52am] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
] |
usher, lil' jon, and luda............had to do it again
yea thats right is been over a month since my last post......adn thats all you fuckin get
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(WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[29 Dec 2004|03:56pm] |
got back from so fla last night....i thought i was gonna kiss the carpet of my apt.
but there were some fun times....
drinking at saras
don carters
drinking at 3 friends
the 3 friends at 3 friends
me and dominick driving around
and being creepy in this girls house with nick james john and dan
i dont wanna go to work tonight
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(2 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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| no one has ever discribed my feelings better than in this song. i love it. |
[17 Dec 2004|03:53pm] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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music |
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the streets- dry your eyes mate |
] |
And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word
‘Cause everythin’s just gone
I’ve got nothin’
Absolutely nothin’
Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I’m not gonna fuckin’, just fuckin’ leave it all now
‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
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(1 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[15 Dec 2004|05:27pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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who wants to get something hot to drink and go around looking at christmas lights........i heard celebration hass amazing lights
anyone?
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(2 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[08 Dec 2004|02:27pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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i really fucking sick...101.5 fever, which isnt bad but its enough to make my body ache....i think i have the flu, plus my athsma is fucking me over
ive been so confused lately im glad noones called me in a while, im glad i get to sit around for 2 days recovering. i dont wanna speak to many people right now. i need to figure shit out.
im done, im gonna go take 2 shots of nyquil and wake up every hour on the hour to cough up a lung and wipe the sweat off my face
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(2 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[26 Nov 2004|02:24am] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
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music |
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frou frou- flicks |
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im thankful for alot, my friends, my family, and my life
but cold weather, soft music and holidays makes me remember jenny, and how happy i was
i havent thought about it in so long...but jesus do i miss "us"...i dont know if its her i miss, who we were, or who i was with her....but i do miss all of it, with a body aching longing
i just think about her smile, her pet sounds, her beautiful hair and skin, her playfulness, her dorkyness, her complete intelilgence, her soft kisses, our nights sleeping together, her living with me, her babying me....i could go on for a long time
i miss her touch, i miss her voice....and it kills me to know some else has her.
we were beautiful.
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(WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[22 Nov 2004|02:06am] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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my complex- abide |
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"Im like a record and your like a record. So lets let the DJ mix us"
love that quote.
life is good.
great party jillian and ashley (thanks for the drunkin' compliments jillian ha)
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(WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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| eventually i will update about my life....but for now.....billy joel |
[19 Nov 2004|02:13pm] |
There is not a single person on this thing that wont smile when they hear "for the longest time" or "uptown girl" by billy joel
or becomes all introspective when they hear "lullaby" or "down eastern alexa" by billy joel
i love that man, for some reason he reminds me of my father (whom i also love).....i dont know, short italian, funny, and able to make me think.....i just enjoy things that make me smile, or think, and billy joel does both
my two favorite billy joel songs are "scenes from an italian restaurant" and "in a new york state of mind".....and some days "down eastern alexa" slips in
feel free to comment with your favorite billy joel songs
"i think i know what you've been trying to ask me, i think you know what ive been trying to tell you"
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(8 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[14 Nov 2004|10:31pm] |
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ill be in so fla tonight at 2 and be there till tues morn. but i can only hang out at night cause ive got shit to do.....give me a call
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(WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[12 Nov 2004|03:14am] |
have i told you guys lately i love my fucking job.....so its all stressed, we are a huge resturant, im seating people all day, i worked my shortest shift all week.......7 hours.....so i think everyon hates me except the greeters......then they all invite me to the bar
i get there every one is telling me how quick i caught on how awesome it is, telling me awesome stories about my brother.....
then comes the bar tab....we were at the fridays right next door soo everyone goes there alot.....so i had 5 fosters a shot and bought my brother 2 foster.....i close my tab, and he asks me ohhh you work at the breeze right, shit let me get you your "real tab".......$3.22.....im drinking there every night
yet again i fucking love my job....
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(2 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[04 Nov 2004|12:47pm] |
so i got a job now, im a greeter at bahama breeze after 9 hours spanned over 4 interviews.
i had orientation monday and i went into training today at 9, and they couldnt find anything so they sent me home....so half assed, funny cause its biggest resturant in orlando
i cut all my hair off again, it looks good, maybe some cute girl will like it
im excited i see josh tonight, beer consumption will happen in a few hours
im not gonna comment on the election, you all know im a liberal, and im not happy about it...but i did all i could, more than most of you, but now i can only sit back and watch
i wanna go to south florida soon......fuck yall
peaces
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(2 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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[28 Oct 2004|01:55am] |
karate was awesome, thanks alo for the ticket jamie....and thanks louis for the suprise party the other day
allison ran off after the show, edit, i know you will read this
and just to post on of the funniest things ever
"Headbutting is probably the manliest thing ever. Not only is it useful for suicide, it's also a great way to break up with your girlfriend. For example, I couldn't find the words to tell my ex that our relationship was over, so one day while we were watching TV I headbutt her in the tits. Then I picked up my jacket and left. No awkward goodbyes, no "still friends" bullshit. Just a couple of bruised titties and a failed relationship. I rule."- maddox
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(1 REALIZE I DONT CARE | WHAT DO YOU THINK?)
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